When Trauma Runs the Show

What happens when we don’t deal with our trauma?

Our Acting Prime Minister’s behaviour in parliament yesterday reminded me of a little boy in the playground, sneering and jeering at others as he held the ball that everyone was playing with, high above his head so that no one could get it. Taunting. Teasing. Relishing with delight and glee at the frustration and pain he was inflicting. It filled his being with a sense of power, righteousness, superiority. It fed his need for attention and mattering. Needs that we all share, for what it’s worth.

The little boy jeered some more, taunted and called the others names.

Surely the teachers would do something about this? Surely they don’t accept people calling each other such names in their school?

Only, it appears they do. The Principal was there watching. Looking rather pleased with himself as he told the little boy he didn’t need to give the ball back. Teachers watched on, aghast at what they saw. The bystanders giggled a bit, throwing a few more smug and contemptuous looks at those who wanted to get on with the game.

There were others around the little boy, those in his gang, laughing along as bystanders for a while. Delighting in the taunting also. I imagine they felt strong, a sense of belonging and, what I’m guessing seemed like pride (a quick body check would probably rename that as anxious unease). Then a growing sense that the vibe had turned a little too nasty, a little too far over ‘the line’ took hold after which the bystanders claimed to all who would listen that the little boy didn’t mean it, he just didn’t hear the request correctly. There was a delay in the airways that meant their requests to have the ball returned weren’t heard for several minutes.

We’re not ok. As a nation. We’re not ok. The choices our Acting PM made yesterday are reflected in conversations throughout Aotearoa New Zealand. I hear them at meetings I attend, as passive aggressive mumbles shoot yet another put down across the table. I hear them in cafes as yet another ‘Friday night at the pub reckonings’ is being quoted endlessly during the week as fact, and used rain judgement on her down the road, or him across the street. Opinions endlessly quoted as fact. Judgements endlessly used to hold oneself in a place of superiority, least one need to face one’s own internal demons, one’s shadow side.

Perhaps you hear the conversations in your staffroom? Perhaps you hear them around the table where your family sits. Perhaps you hear the dismissing and degrading of others who dare to disagree, or who don’t reflect the ‘cultural norm’, those whose very existence threatens the sense of power and control and righteousness that the conversers ooze. The conversers who have the resources to protect themselves, meaning they’ve never had to deal with their trauma, confront their unconscious biases, face their shadow.

Instead of a call for a referendum on Te Tirito o Waitangi, I’d like to call for a referendum on the way in which we communicate with each other, starting with communication by our elected representatives, and call for basic decency in conversational exchanges. I call for that house to, not just represent us, but to be a pillar to which we can all inspire.

I for one am a bit over the emotional immaturity in this country. I’m acknowledging the disgust I feel at what I saw yesterday as my own, and am noticing my body relax as I name its emotional truth. I’m hoping for some emotional maturity from those to which so much has been entrusted, and I notice my body respond with a sense of expansion at this thought. I’m reflecting on the mahi I do to support those who want to do the inner work, to create a fairer, kinder, more emotionally mature world, both inside and outside their being and noticing a need for engagement and growth.

We need to have deeper conversations about what we truly value. We need to make time for that to happen. We need to consciously create space or it won’t happen – the space will be filled by the gazillion other things in our busy modern lives that compete for our attention.

If you are wanting to develop the tone of your workplace to one of mutual respect, deepen self-responsibility and mutual support, I encourage you to get in touch. Combining a trauma informed approach with conscious communication and understandings in relational neuroscience, your world can become a place where communication inspires connection, respect and is mana enhancing for all.

We don’t have to agree with each other. I dream of a world where we deal with our internal hurts, where we explore and challenge our unconscious biases so we can develop the emotional maturity to disagree with respect.

Jean works with individuals, leaders and teams, bringing together a variety of tools based in relational neuroscience, conscious communication and mindfulness. She offers peaceful solutions for compassionate connections and conflict resolution within your inner and outer world.