Have We Normalised Gaslighting?
Jean Allison 
What messages did you receive about your emotional reality as a child? Were your emotions welcomed and acknowledged?
A story from the past (shared with consent).
Recently, a client recalled an interaction between her mother and grandmother that she witnessed as a child. They were standing at the kitchen sink, their backs to my client who was around 10 at the time. Her mother was expressing some annoyance about her father being late home from the pub, and his dinner ruining in the oven. The Grandma turned to Mum and said, “For goodness sake, you married a good man, stop overreacting.”
My client vividly recalled seeing her mother’s shoulders slump and her head drop, as if the wind or her very being had been knocked out of her.
What my client had unknowingly witnessed at the time was gaslighting - the denying of another’s emotional reality. What she didn’t realise was the far reaching impact witnessing that interaction was to have on her life.
What is gaslighting?
The term originated from the 1944 movie “Gaslight,” in which a husband manipulates his wife by dimming the gas lights in their home, then denies that the lights have changed when she questions him, leaving her to question and doubt her sanity.
Gaslighting involves two or more people: The gaslighter/s, who create confusion and doubt, and the gaslightee/s, who doubt their own perceptions and undervalues their reality in order to keep the relationship going.
What is less commonly spoken about is the (presumed) unintentional gaslighting that infuses our everyday interactions, with toxic tentacles leeching their poison through the fabric of our worlds.
That moment when someone shares an experience with you and you say, ‘Oh, it’s not that bad.’ That’s gaslighting.
Or you share an emotional experience with someone and they say, ‘You’re exaggerating.’ or ‘You’ll get over it.’ That’s gaslighting. The turning down, denying, undervaluing of another person's emotional truth.
What might gaslighting sound like when interacting with children?
“You’re fine” or ‘Stop crying’ to the crying child after they’ve fallen down.
“It’s not that bad” to the child who is upset after dropping that treasured piece of cake.
“Just go and find someone else to play with” to the child in the playground who says that Sam won’t play with them.
All of these examples reflect an invalidation of the child’s emotional reality. Invalidation of our emotional reality leads to confusion, disassociation, uncertainty and felt sense of loneliness and isolation. As an adult they’ll probably be unable to set clear boundaries, employ people pleasing strategies to the detriment of their own wellbeing, constantly doubt themselves and their abilities and most likely stay within unhealthy relationships.
How does it impact us?
The long term effect of gaslighting can include the inability to set and hold healthy boundaries, constantly questioning of your own reality leading to depression, anxiety, disassociation, having trouble making decisions, fawning, a felt sense of being that is confused and disorientated, feeling less than, invisible.
What is the ongoing cost of gaslighting?
Passing the pattern on is easy. If a child’s emotional reality is consistently invalidated/gaslit, what do you imagine that child grows and does to their own children? Most likely they’ll invalidate the emotional experience of their children, as well as continuing to invalidate their own. The child grows up to be an adult with children of their own and then passes on the same pattern to their children. And so the ongoing cycle of trauma continues.
What is the impact of a teacher who has been gaslit as a child and isn’t aware of how they are passing on the pattern?
What is the impact of a politician who has been gaslit as a child and has never done the internal work it takes to repair the trauma those experiences create?
What is the ongoing psychological impact of a society entrenched in gaslighting?
Some ponderings:
What messages did you receive about your emotional reality as a child? Were your emotions welcomed and acknowledged?
If not, what impact does that have on you now? Are you able to hold your emotional reality with tenderness or do you deny your emotional experiences, perhaps telling yourself you're silly to feel upset or sad or angry? Perhaps not trusting in yourself, so constantly reach for advice and reassurance from others? (Neither of which calm our nervous systems or complete our emotional circuits).
Perhaps you’re endlessly apologising to those around you? Or perhaps you dismiss your emotions altogether, pushing them aside and instead being hypervigilant to how other people may be feeling?
How to break the pattern
As adults, we can teach children that their emotional experiences make sense by acknowledging their reality, acknowledging what is.
Teaching children to name their body sensations and emotions, and accept that those emotions make sense requires adults to reflect back what the child is experiencing.
That might sound like ‘I wonder if this feels all really big for you right now?’ or ‘I’m wondering if you’re feeling scared right now?’ And accepting and acknowledging the response as being true.
Replace ‘You’re being too sensitive.’ with ‘I wonder if you’re feeling hurt and misunderstood?’
Replace ‘You’re overreacting.’ with ‘Is it all feeling too much right now?’
Replace ‘It wasn’t that big a deal, just calm down.’ with ‘Are you feeling scared and overwhelmed?’
Replace ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of.’ with ‘Of course, it makes sense that you feel afraid, this is all new to you. Would you love some acknowledgement that new things can be scary?’
How can you heal from the impacts of gaslighting?
Our bodies love our emotional truth to be named. Nothing relaxes and heals our nervous systems like resonance. If you find yourself longing to have a deeper sense of warmth, understanding and trust in yourself, reach out to Jean for resonant support and healing.
If you have a sense that early experiences of gaslighting may be impacting on your life now, Taming the Inner Critic is a 6-week personalised course designed to bring you a deeper sense of ‘you make sense’
Jean also works with schools, teams and businesses, supporting the development of conscious communication and emotionally safe environments.
www.jeanallison.com
jean@jeanallison.com